I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I want to be your penis for a week.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Randomize
