you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Randomize
