I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
where are you?
Hypothermia
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Randomize
