i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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