It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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