I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
