she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
I'm too high and old for this...
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
