I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
My balls are so social today.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Randomize
