I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
My vagina just clenched in fear
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
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