is your mom at the bar?
How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
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