I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
