you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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