It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
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