you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
