I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
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