I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
