i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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