Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
