Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
