In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
