two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Randomize
