You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Randomize
