i already hear my dad disowning me
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize