maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
