I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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