there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
