please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
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