put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
