so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
