How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
50% drunk capacity currently
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Randomize
