You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Randomize
