Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
