Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
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