So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Randomize
