John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
How naked do you want me to be?
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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