I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Randomize
