zippers are such a cool invention
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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