Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Randomize
