I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Ketchup is God's man juice
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
