Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Randomize
