please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
