Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
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