I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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