Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize