I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
