i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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