If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
3pm strippers are depressing
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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