not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
