He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Randomize
