I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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