I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
