Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Randomize
