I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Randomize
