Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
