I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Randomize
