so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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