I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
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