i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
