saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
So apparently I’m into choking now
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