When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Randomize
