I'm so fucking centered right now
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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