So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
