Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
