I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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