Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
