Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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