do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
