If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
