I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
...so i touched it.
SEEEEXXX PLEASE
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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