If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
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