I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I just gift wrapped bread.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Randomize
