I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Randomize
