I could make wine with my vomit
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
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