My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Randomize
